Processing through the freaky evening of Aug.12

Its been almost one month since Lyn passed away on our trip to SE Asia and the processing continues. Many of you know about Lyn's passing but few have heard the events that occurred the evening of his death after we had recovered his body - these were the moments that were my scariest yet....

(I've copied my sister's general account of the night and added my feelings/emotions into the story - my perspective)

Around 9pm that night we all headed out into the night on the ocean in two wood boats – one carrying Lyn’s body in a casket, a national workers, and our team member Mark, and the other boat with the rest of the team and some national workers. The tide was high, which was a little freaky because it was unusually high, but the water was calm like glass; everything seemed quiet and still - peaceful. I did also notice quite a bit of lightning in the clouds not long into the trip but it seemed to be regular summertime heat lightning. About 30 minutes into the trip the lightning was no longer just heat lightning - we felt the temperature suddenly drop and the wind pick up speed - I can't explain it but one second it was warm and the next instant the wind was chilly and rough. Within no time we were engulfed in pouring rain, heavy winds, loud thunder, and lighting so bright it seemed to cause temporary blindness! And to top it off the sudden drop in temperature caused and eerie fog to rise from the ocean making it hard to navigate through the islands. Freaky is the only word I can think of to describe it. The boat drivers kept trying to press on but eventually they decided (a little later than I would have) that we really needed to find a local village or at least some land quickly to wait out the storm. We were all incredibly scared!!! I truly thought I might be swimming in the South China Sea, lost and adrift. All I could think of were the few episodes of Lost I'd watched. I tucked my head into my life vest, which by this time was securly fastened around me, and went to my "happy place" ;) (picture a scared turtle hiding in its shell - that was me in my life vest) I quietly hummed songs to myself trying to calm my spirit and not think about what might happen. "Thankfully" the storm was too loud for anyone to hear me singing, or they may have thought I'd gone loopy (which, considering the events of the day, was not far from the truth). Our boat driver said we were near a local village, but we couldn’t find it and ended up finally finding some mangroves and tying ourselves tightly to the trees. At this point I knew we were OK since mangroves only grow in generally shallow waters, so I crawled out of my shell and finally started to relax. Thankfully the boat was fitted with a tarp cover for rain so we were able to stay relatively dry during all of this. We were supposed to stay with the other boat but in the storm, we had gotten separated, didn’t know where they were, and were in an area with no cell phone reception - ugh!, go figure!! In the pitch black darkness broken only by the blinding lightning, with the sound of the wind, the waves and the thunder, I was pissed! I was angry at God and pretty much just ready for Him to take us all Home. I mean seriously, in the midst of all that had already happened that day, did we need more suffering/fear?! I’ve never felt God be so big and so powerful and yet I really just wanted Him to be calm and quiet. I wanted Him to let us rest. The boat trip was by far the scariest moment(s) of my life. As my sister reflected on the events she mentioned how she felt so completely certain that God was so very present and so very much in control; I cannot say the same. I wondered what the heck God was doing. We sat in the boat for over an hour waiting for the storm to pass, crying out to God for protection and singing praises to Him as our most High and Sovereign God. It was a precious time and yet one I hope never to relive. Finally, the downpour turned to a sprinkle, the thunder faded into the distance and the wind began to die down. We decided to set out and quickly realized we were completely lost – no where near where we thought we were. And so after more that 4 hours, we finally pulled into the dock at the mainland breathing deep sighs of relief and practically kissing the solid ground beneath our feet. The trip should have normally taken us 1 ½ hours, it took us over 4! Although Lyn's death was tragic and hard to handle, its been easy in the days since to see God's hand in everything and how he is moving in people's lives because of this. What caused me the most angst/anger, was the boat trip. I struggled with understanding what the purpose of it was. Why did we have to endure such a thing after all we had already been through that day? Why did we have to be scared and fear for our own lives? I was angry! I was frustrated and I didn't understand God's heart in the storm......

Upon my return we met as a team for a debriefing meeting and talked through a bit of our thoughts, emotions, etc. after all that had happened. I talked about the boat trip, about my frustration with it, with God. Later in the conversation Kaitlyn, our 14 yr. old teammate, mentioned what she thought of during the storm and her words cut right to my heart. I was forced to see the storm a different way and it made it OK for me. Kaitlyn, in the midst of the raging storm, was reminded of how, at the death of Jesus, the sky turned dark and stormy - she thought of God's anger at having to suffer separation with His son and how the skies over the cross gave a visual of God's heart. Kaitlyn thought the same thing about the storm - God's anger at having to leave us without Lyn, God - suffering and mourning with us, angry with usfor the loss of a friend/father/husband/grandfather. I know that I'll never truly know God's heart but realizing that the storm could possibly have been His expression of sorrow for our loss somehow makes the storm bearable. If it wasn't God just making a horrible day even worse, but rather an outpouring of his grieving then I'm OK with that. I'm going to live in this idea and maybe, just maybe, small boats and big storms won't freak my out quite so much ;) Its all one big process - one crazy event at a time :)
Thanks for your prayers and support!!