Living in the "Why?"

Life changes in as instant... I know this, but it truly sucks when you have to experience it.

Six days ago I watched as a friend's lifeless body was pulled from the South China Sea. After 2 hours of praying for the waves to carry his missing body back to us, I starred at what, in my head, I knew was a lifeless body but my heart just couldn't believe. In the moments that passed as I guarded his body I couldn't help but be optimistic and believe God was going to do something amazing. The resort staff and local police (mostly all Muslims) were all witness to the tragedy and observers of our suffering... I believed God would see this, as I did, as an opportunity to make his glory known in a indisputable way. To get through it I had to trust that God was going to bring Lyn back to life...call me crazy, but he has done it before and I know he can do it again.

As the minutes changed to hours I wondered when God was going to show up and blow these people away with his awesomeness. Surely he wasn't going to miss this "perfect" opportunity....
the sun set, darkness came upon us and my frustration & angst rose within me. Where was he??


As I sit here and re-live the emotions of that day I have to wonder...is this a small example of what the disciples felt at the foot of the cross? They must have believed so strongly that God was going to show up any minute to stop it all and silence the scoffers once and for all. What could they have been thinking as the time passed ...what questions stirred within them when God didn't come? How did they live in those days before his resurrection? How did they live in the midst of not understanding the "Why?" behind it all?

I have the privilege of living post-resurrection and seeing God's bigger picture. I have a past to back up my faith that God's plans (including Lyn's death) are greater and more complex than I can ever hope to comprehend this side of heaven......... but my question remains, How do I live in the midst of not understanding the "Why?" ? Its a rhetorical question; one I am processing through. A question without answer but I believe it is a good one. After all ... isn't our whole life in someway entirely lived in the midst of not understanding the "why?" of it all. Isn't that what faith truly is? What does living it out really look like? I am processing................
It has been a rough week to say the least - one that has shaped me in ways I am still not even aware of but as I look back... God did show up that day on the beach; he was there when he took Lyn painlessly & quickly home; he was there carrying Lyn's body back to us before nightfall; he was there in the midst of the sadness holding Barb in his arms.... he WAS there and he IS here. Not understanding the "Why?" is now just part of living in faith and I am just starting to flesh out what that looks like; it is a journey.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!!